写作批改范例

　　argument题干
　　ThefollowingisarecommendationfromtheBoardofDirectorsofMonarchBooks。WerecommendthatMonarchBooksopenacafinitsstore。Monarch，havingbeeninbusinessatthesamelocationformorethantwentyyears，hasalargecustomerbasebecauseitisknownforitswideselectionofbooksonallsubjects。Clearly，openingthecafwouldattractmorecustomers。Spacecouldbemadeforthecafbydiscontinuingthechildrensbooksection，whichwillprobablybecomelesspopulargiventhatthemostrecentnationalcensusindicatedasignificantdeclineinthepercentageofthepopulationunderageten。OpeningacafwillallowMonarchtoattractmorecustomersandbettercompetewithRegalBooks，whichrecentlyopeneditsowncaf。Writearesponseinwhichyoudiscusswhatquestionswouldneedtobeansweredinordertodecidewhethertherecommendationislikelytohavethepredictedresult。Besuretoexplainhowtheanswerstothesequestionswouldhelptoevaluatetherecommendation。
　　学生原文：
　　Allthearguer’sviewsoundsenergetic，positiveanddogmatic，yetthereisnopenetrationinhisreasoningprocess。HesuggeststhatMonarchBookstoreshouldreplacethechildren’sbooksectionwithacaf，whichwouldmakethebookstoremoreattractivejustlikeRegalBooks。However，somequestionsneedtobeconsidered。Firstly，aretheresufficientevidencethatRegalBookswhichhasopenedacafbecomesmorealluring？ItispossiblethatRegalBookslossessomeofitscustomersafterthecafopening。Maybetheydonotliketheodorofcafandturnstoanotherbookstorethatdonothavethecaf。EvenifRegalBooksattractsmorecustomersindeed，canthecafintheMonarchBookstoreabsorbmorecustomersaswell？Arethesetwobookstorecomparable？PerhapsthesameactionwouldbeineffectiveonMonarchBookstoreduetosomedifferencesbetweenthetwobookstoressuchascustomergroups，geologicallocationandmarketingstrategy。Inaddition，isthemerefactthatmorecustomersarewillingtohavearestatRegalBooksenoughtoillustratethatacafistheonlyfactorforalargecustomer？Thearguerignoresotherfactorssuchasabettergeologicallocation，clevermarketingandstrongercustomerservicethatmaycontributestoRegalBooks’success。Inordertobemoreabsorbing，MonarchBookstoreshouldimproveitselffromotheraspectsbesidesthecaf。Lastbutnotleast，doesthemostrecentnationalcensusindicatingasignificantdeclineinthepercentageofthepopulationunderagetenmaynotnecessarilyapplytoMonarchCity？ItisquitepossiblethatthepercentageofchildreninMonarchCityareincreasinginrecentyears，whichiscontrarytothewholenation。Forthatmatter，itisalsopossiblethatthechildreninMonarchCitytendstronglytoreadbooks，whichaccountsforthehighsalesofthebookstore。Therefore，discontinuingthechildrensbooksectionmaydecreasingthenumberofcustomers，whichachievestheoppositeofwhatthearguerintended。Toconclude，theauthor’srecommendationthatMonarchBookstoreshouldreplacethechildren’sbooksectionwithacafisunpersuasivebeforeconsiderthequestionsmentionedabove。
　　修改后范例：
　　ThearguersuggeststhatMonarchBookstoreshouldreplacethechildren’sbooksectionwithacaf，whichwouldmakethebookstoremoreattractivejustlikeRegalBooks。Allthearguer’sviewsoundsenergetic，positiveanddogmatic（reasonable），yetthereisnopenetrationin（strongevidencein）hisreasoningprocess。Therearesomequestionsthatneedtobeconsidered。Firstly，istheresufficientevidencethatshowsthatopeningacafcanmaketheRegalBooksmorelucrative？ItispossiblethattheRegalBookshaslostsomeofitscustomersafteropeningacaf。Itisalsopossiblethattheydonotliketheodorofthecafandturntoanotherbookstorethatdoesnothaveacaf。EveniftheRegalBookscertainlyattractsmorecustomers，doesitguaranteethatthecafintheMonarchBookstorecanattractmorecustomersaswell？Arethesetwobookstorescomparable？PerhapsthesameactionwouldbeineffectiveforMonarchBookstoreduetosomedifferencesbetweenthesetwobookstoressuchasdifferentcustomergroups，geologicallocationsandmarketingstrategies。Inaddition，isthemerefactthatmorecustomersarewillingtovisitRegalBooksenoughtoillustratethatacafistheonlyfactorforanincreasingamountofcustomers？Thearguerignoresotherfactors，suchasabettergeologicallocation，aclevermarketingstrategy，andastrongercustomerservice，whichmaycontributetoRegalBooks’success。Inordertobemoreattractiveforbooklovers，MonarchBookstoremightconsidertoimproveitselfbyusingotherstrategiesinsteadofopeningacaf。Lastbutnotleast，doesasignificantdeclineinthepercentageofthepopulationunderageteninthenationalcensuscanrepresentthecircumstancesofMonarchCity？ItisquitepossiblethatthepercentageofchildreninMonarchCityisincreasinginrecentyears，whichiscontrarytothewholenation。Forthatmatter，itisalsopossiblethatthechildreninMonarchCitytendtoreadmorebooksgiventhehighsalesofthelocalbookstores。Therefore，thereispossibilitythatdiscontinuingthechildrensbooksectionmightdecreasethenumberofcustomers，whichmightleadtotheoppositeeffectofwhatthearguerintendstoachieve。Inconclusion，theauthor’srecommendationthatMonarchBookstoreshouldreplacethechildren’sbooksectionwithacafisunpersuasiveconsideringthequestionsmentionedabove。